Baby Clothes Are Stupid

May 4, 2017

Don’t get me wrong. I love, love me some cute baby clothes. I could spend all my money on them if I had all the dinero in the kingdom. I don’t. But, this is not about how costly baby clothes are. This is about how inconvenient they can be. 
Baby clothes are one of the most fun “prepare for baby” things to do. Get new baby clothes, wash them in that intoxicating, but way over-priced, Dreft, and organize all that cuteness before your little one arrives. Stare at them hanging there, envisioning all the sleep deprivation you are about to encounter.
Baby clothes are addicting until the baby shows up. Then, they become just mean.
As a mom, I dread putting clothes on Joe. When they are brand new you have to bend their arms and legs in weird ways that are unnatural to them and as they grow, body parts get caught or trapped in them. Maybe I’m just not good at it, but the process, for me, is exhausting. There have been more diaper only days in our household than most because I don’t have the energy to put up the fight. It also helps that Joe is a boy. There’s so much more pressure (ALREADY?!!) for baby girls to be cute. Here’s my baby clothes nightmare line-up:

1. Buttons
First of all, how dare you, Carters? Brands that sell sleepers to new parents with buttons that go all the way up the outfit are down right cruel. It takes a century to get a baby dressed when there are over 40 buttons to figure out. And let me rant about the buttons located in the crotchal region. They are next to impossible to accomplish when you have a wriggling baby who is both unimpressed with your buttoning skills and is so over wearing clothes anyway. Plus, Joe has sumo wrestler-sized thighs and buttoning around them just left awkward chunks of visible baby fat.
Joe has slept many a night with his crotch out because I had given up on the buttoning crusade. I distinctly remember when we put Joe in his first sleeper with a zipper. I nearly cried. Oh, Happy Day!!! I was going to burn those button sleepers immediately.

2. Overalls
God damnit they are cute, but are they really worth it? When Joe was really little I wanted to put him in overalls, but after my first go at it, I was pretty much over it. Putting a onesie on with buttons, then putting overalls on with crotch buttons is too much sit still time for my very energetic baby. Once you finally get them on, they inevitably shit their pants. Then, it takes me like 4 years to get to his diaper. Once you finally get the diaper changed, the buttoning madness starts all over again.

3. T-shirts
Shirts were really annoying until Joe hit like 9 months. There was no point because the shirts just rode up his belly 130% of the time. We gave up on t-shirts until he was older.

4. Shoes
Why? Just why? There’s no evident point, in my eyes, for shoes until they have learned to walk. I guess they are merely to complete an ensemble and if you’ve continued to read this post up until now, you are aware it’s not high on my priority list. I considered just never getting him shoes, but, ya know, mom pressure. Even after he started to walk, figuring out a shoe size and a shoe type that didn’t make him look like he was walking drunk was a difficult task. Plus, Joe has some extremely fat feet that seem to not want to fit in any shoes I buy. 

5. Hats
I’m not talking about stocking caps. Those are freaking adorable and warm. I am talking about the little, cotton, stretchy hats that come with matching outfits. Joe just looked ridiculous AF in these hats and never kept them on. I won’t buy an outfit if it comes with a baby hat. I hate them. The dogs ate lots of them along with my washing machine. They are hard to keep track of and most were lost.

We always have maybe 1-2 cute outfits (or at least ones I think are cute) for Joe to be “shown off” in. They are usually very easy to put on him as well. Otherwise, he’s in something easy to throw on or he’s naked. He’s usually naked.
At the end of the day, it’s probably my lack of patience or my overwhelming need for Joe to not feel pain that makes me hate most baby clothes. I will admit that when I get to buy clothes for baby girls I go bat shit crazy. So, if I ever have a girl, this will become yet another mom contradiction of mine. 

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