Mitigating Risk

January 17, 2018

Pat and I were discussing how we will do our next house differently in regards to decorating, furniture, and organizing. Everything with kids becomes a different ball game. I now see everything in my home in a new light.

Chairs have become death traps, putting a basket somewhere doesn’t hide enough toys, even pantry organization changes. Sugary things always go up top along with anything he can grab and dump out. Our pantry is almost bare at the bottom and most of the shit has been shoved to the top. Placement is everything. I now hate open cabinetry because it doesn’t store ugly toys.

So, this next house will have little kids in mind and how to best keep us out of the emergency room and hide as much kid crap as I can. Mitigating Risk is my new interior design aesthetic.

But in lieu of discussing house design and whatever else, I was thinking how all the stuff in my house has new names. Here are some examples:

Coffee Maker:

This is now a button machine that makes a hot liquid that Joe pretends to drink.


Pickle and Ice machine. Plus, Joe’s personal water fountain/mess maker.


Holder of dog shit and all of Joe’s crumbs. Gets cleaned…never.

Fake flowers:

Joe’s improv practice for smelling. (He does it backwards. He blows on them instead of sucking into his nose to actually smell. They don’t smell anyway, so I’ve filed it under: Things that don’t matter.)

Throw pillows:

Literal pillows to throw at people.

Any Furniture:

Jungle Gym And/Or Joe Climbing Challenge “How Can I Scale This Armchair?”

Coffee Table:

Workout equipment for Joe’s biceps/triceps. He has broken our coffee table 14 times.

Hardware on Kitchen Cabinets:

Constant Possible Hospital Visit Even For Adults. Those suckers are SHARP.


Tools for getting anything on the counters/See Also: Constant Possible Hospital Visit

Any Animal Shaped Decor:

Toy/Broken Toy


Wet Landfill for Joe’s Toys

Anything White:

Not White


Top Notch Teether


Oatmeal Generator/Button machine


Dinosaur Food

Any Open Shelving:

Hiding spots/What can I fit in here?


Panels That Lead To Bliss (Outside)


Fascinating Wax That Needs To Be Blown Out Even When Unlit


Shoe Storage Compartment

Any Surface:

Caked in Sticky Unknown Substance

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