Yesterday I made a friend.
I came home and I was so jacked.
I couldn’t stop pinging around the house…happily.
Dishes are dirty? No problem!
Toddler is screaming? It’s FINE!
The house is fucking wrecked? I’ll get to it later! (WHAT?!)
What the fuck happened to me at this lady’s house? Was she burning marijuana?
No, no. I made my first mom friend. (I think.)
Let me clear this up. I made my first mom friend that I actually made time to hang out with and it was glorious. But, why?
First of all, I had no idea it would turn out to be more of a friend hang. This was an unintentional happening.
We met to discuss curriculum and educational things for our (really my) children, so I wasn’t banking on becoming besties. There was no expectation. But, I left feeling euphoric.
I had just had 1.5 hours of conversation with a stranger about stuff I knew about which is mostly parenting and I felt like my brain just got a beautiful, knowledgeable massage for 90 minutes. I used words like succinct and parallel and pedagogy as opposed to No, No, No, and Please Don’t Put Cheese In My Hair.
Like most moms, I kind of (no, no totally) fell out of the loop with my friends after having kids. I rarely see anyone that I used to. Hell, I rarely GO anywhere that isn’t kid friendly. Simply because it’s work to hang out. It’s work to do adult things right now. Doing adult things involves planning childcare, somehow convincing Noah to take a bottle (not happening) and micromanaging nap time so that everyone is happy for whoever takes care of them. More than likely, if I’m adulting, I’m drinking and so that fucks everything up even more so because then I can’t feed Noah and I feel like total dog shit allllllll day the next 2 days. It just isn’t worth it right now. I can’t swing it.
And I have mom friends. I have quite a few I feel like. A bunch of you guys are my friends. I love hearing all your experiences and advice.
But, the majority of us moms are alone. Alone in parenting, but doing it simultaneously. Most mom friends are alone together. Interacting through social media or texting because that’s about all the time we can scrounge up.
I’d like to shout out to all my non-mom friends whom I’ve abandoned if they still even claim me. Hi! I miss you. I see you. I want to hang out with you. I’m just not there yet with my exhaustion level. My kid still eats from my tits and that makes hanging out really difficult.
Making friends as a new mom and an adult is WEIRD AND COMPLICATED.
- I have very little urge to leave my kids right now so I will most always opt out of plans that aren’t kid-friendly.
- I have to plan plans around nap times. Noah only goes 2-3 hours in between naps. That’s not a lot of play time. I know I could be more lax about this, BUT I must stick up for myself here because if the kid doesn’t stick to a schedule I lose EVEN more sleep. I am in no business of getting up 6+ times a night.
- I am a new person after having kids and I don’t know how that translates to what kind of people I like. But, I know I can relate to moms. I get moms. I can also relate to drunks. I get drunks, I just don’t have time to be one anymore.
- Making conversations with adults is so very different than sitting beside someone at a bar. I now would like to discuss if you are investing in BitCoin, how you get your kids to sleep at night, what you are cooking, how you afford a home, or how you pull off looking so pretty. Or I just don’t really want to talk to you at all.
- I no longer put myself in situations where I am surrounded by friend potential. There’s no college. There’s no bar. There’s no job. I have no circle of people who are forced to hang out together.
Enter the mom friend. She is just as tired. She will opt out of most of our plans. (Thank GOD.) She looks just as haggard as you do. You HAVE SO MUCH TO DISCUSS because kids are so fucking crazy. She can’t juggle everything either. She is so god damn relatable. She makes you feel sane. You see her mess. You see her baggy eyes. You see how much she adores her children. THIS IS YOU.
Finally, you know that you aren’t the only one out there that feels like an idiot for only discussing kid shit. You get jazzed about building your children’s educational curriculum and you can’t wait to make your husband build all those Waldorf toys. And then you type a sentence like the one you just read and you think, WHO AM I? Is this me now?
Three short years ago I was not this person. I was the opposite of this person. Just. Three. Years. If we used to hang out, you probably roll your eyes at me. Just know that I do, too, most of the time.
But this mom friend. She made me feel alright. She made see that it’s ok to be super into being into motherhood. She let me see that it’s ok to write this blog post instead of starting another load of laundry because I will feel much better about doing this than cleaning my house.
Here’s to keeping said mom friend, but not acquiring too many more. Because, good god, small talk is stressful.