Parenting

To The Guy At Kroger

January 30, 2018

Someone asked it. People, someone asked me that.

I didn’t have time to answer him in the moment.

We were in the check-out aisle which is its own form of hell. There’s too much that can go wrong in a check-out aisle. First of all, you are contained which Joe hates and instantly tries to crawl under everything. Then, he tries to rip off the check signing thing which WHO EVEN USES THIS? Next, there’s always grabbing all the candy and throwing it into his little person shopping cart which is already full of diapers. After I say, “No,” he unzips my boots. Finally, we have to push every god damn button on the credit card machine.

The person in front of you always winds up having something go wrong with his card and while we wait for VISA to approve your purchase of Natural Light and Doritos you ask, “What do you do all day?”

So I simply said, “Mostly watch TV, make homemade, organic cleaning supplies, and iron my husband’s shirts.”

But, I shall redeem my sarcastic comment and adequately answer this jerk face here.

I am by no means complaining about staying at home. The older Noah gets, the better (not easier) this gig becomes. But, I have been the working mom and both mom lives have their struggles.

So, for now, what do I DO all day?

In short, try to stay awake. Seriously. But here’s a rundown.

I don’t know when you’d honestly say my day “starts”. I’ll report, you decide.

5:56 AM- Noah wakes up screaming in my face. Beautiful morning. Serene. I hook him up to my boob and he bites me first. Also, serene. Then, he nurses for a few minutes and falls back to sleep. I lay him back down. He wakes up. We lay there in a face off. Me: Please go back to sleep, pleaseeeeee. Noah: Da da da da da (insert a million cute smiles and a direct grab to the face)

6:15 AM- So, I guess we’re doing another day of this. Change Noah’s diaper, pet Gil who came into the room at 5:34AM to get the ball rolling, and muster up the energy to drag both of us out to the living room.

6:16 AM- Joe jumps out of bed screaming, “MOOOOOOOMMMMMM!”

6:16:15 AM- Me: “Hi, Joe. Did you pee the bed?” Joe: “No.” He peed through his diaper and the bed. Pat throws the bedding in the wash. I change Joe. Noah plays with dirt on the floor.

6:25 AM- We all go into the living room and I find something for Noah to play with while Joe grabs his dinosaurs and gets the whole reptile gang out. The dinosaurs are hungry for breakfast. I sneak away, pee, chug 3 glasses of water. Possibly say hello to Pat.

6:35 AM- Noah is whining again at this point. I go back to the living room and play with him and convince the Triceratops family to help us make Joe some oatmeal. Joe helps pour the oatmeal, milk, stirs it around (flings it on the floor) and we throw it in the microwave and he pushes the button. Noah sucks on a bell pepper. Pat has coffee ready. I watch mine get cold. OR I chug hot coffee. It’s a new super skill I’ve acquired. 

6:45 AM- We fix up Joe’s oatmeal, he refuses to eat it, of course, because it’s too hot. I eat the oatmeal. Noah has a few bites. Joe runs around roaring.

7:00 AM- We play with Joe’s action figures or I have him jump on the bed to get some energy out while I help Noah practice walking.

8:00 AM- Noah is cranky and tired. Joe is bored of his dinos and going through the trash. IT’S TIME.

8:15 AM- Little Bear goes on the TV. I sing to Noah while walking him around the house to sleep. Noah takes a nap.

8:30 AM- I turn the TV off, Joe whines, we make our way to have our morning coffee and Joe finally will eat something. We read books forever. Do a few puzzles. Or make treats. We get dressed, brush our teeth, put in my eyes, and sometimes I will brush my hair.

9:15/ 9:30 AM- Noah is up. We race to the back room where he sleeps. Joe screams, Noah laughs, life feels grand. I pee.

9:45 AM- Diaper change numero dos. Both boys get changed. Noah gets clothes. We get everything to get out of the house, pack up in the van, and go somewhere.

11:15 AM- Depending on how many meltdowns Joe had while we were out, everyone comes home relatively tired. We sit in the kitchen and eat lunch. I always wish this took longer because everyone is happy when they are eating.

11:30 AM- Is it nap time yet? I think of any way to kill time before the next nap. Noah usually will sleep longer if I stretch them out, but he’s already crabby and Joe is just laying on the kitchen floor. Make Joe a milk, get him his binky, grab Noah. Diaper changes.Head for duel nap time.

11:45 AM- I rock Noah while Joe lays in bed. Both fall asleep usually within 20 minutes. If I’m lucky, Noah stays down. Most days I have to pick him back up and continue to walk him around the house. I am so dead tired at this point.

12:30 PM- Both kids asleep. I sneak in my 15-minute workout, get Joe’s activities set up, and try to pick up.

1:30 PM- Noah’s up. Let’s be real. Noah has been up since 1. If I catch another hour nap, it is a really, really great day. Noah sits in one of his baby cages and eats one of those sticky ass baby crackers. Gives me another 10 minutes to get shit done. Then, Noah and I have our time to discuss how cute he is and play.

2:30 PM- Joe’s up. Grouchy AF. Every time. So grouchy and Noah is tired, too. This is when shit gets hard. Joe wants to be held for at least another fifteen minutes and Noah wants to go back to sleep, but also doesn’t want to go back to sleep. He generally just wants to be held. So, the Joe activities are hopefully intriguing enough to up Joe’s mood and convince him to play. Joe usually caves and plays with the stuff if I have been thoughtful. Joe poops at some point in this hour and Noah screams while he gets changed. Joe just keeps repeating, “ew, ew, ew”

3:30 PM- Snacks and the tv goes on. I am so beat. Noah needs a break. He goes in the wrap because he won’t go down for a nap. Joe watches Dinosaur Train and I put Noah in the Solly Wrap and start dinner. Lots of whining happens during this hour. Lots.

4:30 PM- PAT IS DONE WITH WORK! Usually. He helps finish up whatever I couldn’t get done. TV goes off. We eat dinner. Joe whines and whines and whines. Then, gives in, sits on my lap, and eats my dinner. Noah eats every single thing we offer him. I somehow feed both boys and try to get some of the food in my own mouth. Clean up. TV goes back on. Pat and I usually get to talk for a little bit.

5:00 PM- Noah starts to be really, really crabby. Joe is immersed in a show. We all hang out in the living room and try to keep everybody as calm as can be. Pat does some ab workout and talks about investing. I am so worn out I can’t follow conversation, but I continue to assist Noah in learning to walk. We play piano, we play guitar, I manage meltdowns and put out fires until bath time.

5:30 PM- Joe and Pat wrestle. Sometimes the best part of my day. Hilarious to watch. Also, satisfying to see your kid get pummeled after an what seemed like an entire day of whining.

6:00 PM- EVERYONE CHILL OUT. CAN WE MAKE IT 30 MORE MINUTES? WHY IS EVERYONE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT?

6:30 PM- Bathtub goes on. Everyone calms down. I get jams ready, milk ready, diapers ready, towels ready.

6:40 PM- Well that calm lasted a whole 10 minutes. Noah is freaking out. I grab him and throw him in jams. Grab Joe. Pat puts him in jams and we put out the final fires of the day. Pat reads to Joe. I nurse Noah hoping he’ll fall asleep that easily. Rarely happens.

7:45 PM- Everyone is usually asleep by now. I am dead, dead tired, but can’t fall asleep because motherhood.

9:00 PM- Noah wakes up, nurse.

11:00PM- Noah wakes up, nurse.

1:00AM- Noah wakes up, nurse.

3:00 AM- Noah wakes up, nurse.

5:00 AM- Noah wakes up, nurse.

5:30 AM- Noah wakes up, nurse.

5:56 AM- Repeat from the start.

This is a good day. Good days are rare.

That’s the gist with very few details. Writing that made me tired.

Pat read this and almost rolled his eyes. My reply, “Does anyone ask you what you do all day after you tell them you work as a graphic designer?” No reply. Because no, no they don’t. Graphic Designer is enough. Stay at home mom isn’t.

I’m gonna go crack a natty light.

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